March 2010
2 posts
1 tag
Lunch Killer
Him: So, you're mad at me because I didn't want to have lunch at 11:00am?
Her: Yeah. God damn lunch killer.
1 tag
Exam time
Her: So, I won't be seeing you much next month. Exam time is approaching.
Him: Does that mean I should get a sex buddy for that time?
Her: What?
February 2010
2 posts
Say Anything
Her: Say something!
Him: A really big shoe.
Her: What?
Playing along
Her: Do you like dark chocolate?
Him: Yeah.
Her: Cherries? What about cherries?
Him: Yeah, I like cherries.
Her: Okay thank god, I got you this expensive chocolate.
Him: Do you like dark chocolate?
Her: God no.
Him: Good, me neither.
January 2010
19 posts
Facebook Fail
Her: Why haven't you accepted my facebook relationship request?
Him: Do I have to?
Her: Do you not want people to know we're in a relationship?
Him: Excuse me, you're the one who dream-cheated.
Untimely Jokes
Him: You need to stop having sex with other people in your dreams. I can't help but think there's some sort of underlying cause.
Her: Maybe if you sexually satisfied me once in a while...
Him: What!!
Her: IT WAS A JOKE!
There's just something about older men...
Her: I had a sex dream.
Him: Oh yeah?
Her: You weren't in it.
Him: Right.
Her: But your Dad was.
Him: What?
Her: He told me off for having sex with someone else.
High Fidelity
Him: You need to stop having sex with other people.
Her: You do realise that it was just a dream right?
A rational conclusion
Him: You can't be mad at me. We're both equally to blame!
Her: I know. I blame you for this.
Him: I see.
Her: I can't blame myself. That's silly.
Men think we look like this all the time
Her: Will you come with me to go get a wax?
Him: Wait, what? What are you getting waxed?
Firme La Bouche
Her: I think we should see a counselor and do something about this emotional abuse.
Him: Shut up.
Entrapment is what cops do to thieves
Him: I was tricked! That's entrapment.
Her: Of course it is. I'm a woman. You should have known better.
Tell me I'm ugly, but not really.
Her: Okay, I can't afford this swimsuit. Tell me I'll look ugly in it.
Him: Okay.
Her: But it's so pretty, and I really want it.
Him: It ain't your style.
Her: Oh.
Him: Everyone will point and laugh at you.
Her: Oh no!
Him: They won't even let you in the pool.
Her: *crying emotional mess*
Suspicious minds
Him: I love you.
Her: What?
Him: I love you.
Her: What did you do?
Marmite and Jam
Him: Everyone likes you.
Her: It's because I'm like jam. You just can't hate me.
Him: At least you're not marmite.
Her: Yeah, I'd hate to be you.
Monkey Business
Her: I need you to fake my signature and fill this form for me.
Him: I'm worried I might not be able to. Show it to me.
Her: Here you go.
Him: Haha! Even a monkey could imitate that.
Her: Thanks.
Cake, drugs and rock and roll
Her: Okay, so here's the menu, you can choose your birthday cake from here.
Him: Wtf? These cakes cost more than my presents. You can't get it from here. It's too expensive.
Her: No seriously, it's ok. Just chose one.
Him: No it's too expensive.
Her: THE CAKE'S FOR ME NOT FOR YOU! JUST PICK ONE!
Dating outside the box
Her: So I was wondering, is it okay if I create an online dating profile?
Him: What?
Morning Aerobics
Him: And then you'll say you don't want to go bowling.
Her: Of course I don't want to go bowling, it's 9:30 in the morning!
Being young and in love
Her: You need to drive quicker. I need to poo. Hurry!
Him: I'm trying. Hold it in.
Her: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
Him: What?
Her: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
Him: What did you do?
Her: Uh oh.
Him: What are you doing!?
Her: Ahhhh. That feels good.
Him: No way.
Her: Psyche!
Dumbo
Her: You're avoiding the elephant in the room.
Him: What elephant? There's a cat in my room.
Anatomy
Him: I'm a little worried you think a penis and a bumhole are the same thing.
Sunday drivers
Her: You need to stop driving like a dickhead.
Him: Did you fudge your huggies again?
December 2009
24 posts
A True Thespian
Her: What the hell are you doing?
Him: I'm pretending to grab your boobies.
Her: What?
I'm Smaret
Him: I see.
Her: Do you?
Him: Yeah, I'm smaret.
Her: ...
Him: I mean smart.
Her: That was smart.
Secrets are for everyone
Her: I can't tell you, it's a secret.
Him: Ooh, a secret. I wanna know!
Nightmares and video games
Her: Aah! I just woke up from a really scary dream.
Him: Was it about World of Warcraft?
Her: Yes.
Him: Haha!
Love and marriage go together like a horse and...
Him: What would you do if I got down on one knee and proposed to you in front of my entire family on Christmas day?
Her: I'd laugh. Like this. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Late Excuse #1
Her: I'm sorry I'm late, but when I put on my socks this morning, I found a fistful of sand in them.
Him: Wtf?
Her: It must have been from when I went to the beach in Ireland.
Him: That was over 6 months ago.
Talking Dirty
Her: Talk dirty to me.
Him: There was a woman, and she had a baby. Then her flat set on fire.
Her: I don't think I'm in the mood any more.
Speech Impediments
Her: Get me a Sweet Chilli Chicken Deli Meal.
Him: Hi, I'd like a Sweet Chicken Chili Meal please.
Her: Psst, it's Sweet Chilli Chicken
Him: I mean, I'd like a Chicken Chilli Sweet Chicken Meal please.
Her: Sweet Chili Chicken
Him: That's a Chili Sweet Chicken Meal please.
Her: I think there's something wrong with you.
Sad Face Etiquette
Her: :(
Him: You said I needed a penis enlargement, you don't get a sad face.
It's only incest if you're on Jerry Springer
Him: Weren't you going to bed?
Her: I decided to masturbate to the photo of your mum instead.
Him: That's good, now I don't feel guilty about doing the same to the photo of your dad.
Avada Kedavra
Him: What's a muggle?
Her: I like that you don't know what a muggle is.
Him: It's because I'm cool.
Her: Let's not stretch that far.
A Perfectly Sensible Conversation
Him: Boobies.
Her: 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288
Him: Touche.
Sandwich assassin
Him: I think your sandwich just tried to kill me.
Her: What?
Him: It tried to choke me a few minutes after I'd eaten it.
She wants a darkroom for Christmas
Him: So you want this enlarger thing?
Her: For your penis?
Nudity = Relationship
Him: I am your boyfriend because I saw you naked yesterday.
Her: Calm the shit down.
Fellatio
Her: A beaver can have a trout in its mouth and not eat it, and I can have a dick in my mouth and not suck it.
Strap Ons and Secrets
Her: Can you do me a favour? You have to agree to it first.
Him: Umm, No. Because the favour might be to bum me with a strap on.
Rapist's Kiss
Him: Why did you just hit me while I was trying to kiss you? It made me feel like a rapist.
After 3 worrying months without Aunt Flo to visit
Her: I think Star Trek gave me my period back.
It's not sexy to pass chocolate while kissing
Him: Why didn't you just eat it? I feel like I just got puked on.
Ugly Betty
Her: Are you saying your Dad won't find me sexy?
Him: No that's -
Her: Are you saying I'm ugly?
Him: What's wrong with you?
I'm a man
Her: Owww! That hurt!
Him: I'm sorry, but I had to go all manly on you!
Boobies drive my man-child wild
Radio DJ: So phone in and tell us what drives your child wild? Is it wind, I've heard children get mental and hyper on a windy day. What drives your child wild?
Him: BOOBIES!
Man Boobs
Him: ....and I could see them through his jumper!
Her: So you spent the day looking at another man's breasts?
Him: They were very round.
November 2009
25 posts
The Wii Fit Trainer Lies
Her: So the sexy Wii Fit trainer tells me I have abs of steel.
Him: HAHAHA!
Her: You need to recover from this... fast.
Him: I love you?
Healthy Living is Cute
Her: I've set myself a caloric intake.
Him: Aww, that's cute.
Motivation
Her: Do your work, or I'll have sex with your Dad.